Life is Weird

Endless Insanity

Archive for the category “blame”

Pickin’ Bits & a Boob Scratch.

Some people think that staying in on a Friday night is a sin. I remember the days when I thought the exact same thing, but times have changed for me. I enjoy coming home Friday after work. I have put in my week at work and can hardly wait to put on my slobby slob-out clothes, grab a bag of chips, a big glass of coke zero and improve my life via Pinterest. It works for me. Plus – I get to spend some quality time with my gorgy Zozo dog and her baby cat Charlie.

babycat

Now – we all know that I spoil the Zoey dog – to say the least. Do I need to remind anyone that I got the kitten for Zo – to keep her company during the day? No. So would it really be a surprise to find out that I spent part of my Friday night Pickin’ Bits for her. You see – I thought I was being quite smart, quite clever when I bought the delish looking dog food from the liquidation world. It had healthy little bits of dried beans and carrots in it. She eats beans and carrots off of my plate – so I thought she would like some in her own food. Wrong. Apparently the Zo has a very refined palate when it comes to her beans and carrots. That’s right – she does not approve of eating either one in the dried crunchy state. So I watched her as she would take a mouthful of the dried food over to the carpet , drop it all on the carpet, and then eat everything but the dried beans and carrots. She left those on the carpet for me to pick up. Ya – I don’t really want to be picking up these stupid bits every single day. But I am like a super genius and decide to dump out the whole bag on the counter – pick out the bean and carrot bits and chuck them in the garbage. Really – come on. This is Ridiculous – but I started so I actually finished. It took almost an hour.

After completing this tedious task I decided to reward myself with a nice hot bath. I love my baths. Zo always sits by the tub while I soak. She waits for me to get out and then dries my toes. I guess Zo’s new kitten Charlie wanted to become part of our bathing ritual. I saw her perched on the toilet seat – just watching. Okay – I am not stupid – I don’t trust this cat for nothin’. She is totally wild, and completely insane. I look at her and decide I was safe – I know she doesn’t like water – I know this for sure. How? Because when it was +35 out I thought she might like a little dip in Zozo’s pool. Ha! – Not so much. Don’t go getting all up in arms with me either. I was not being cruel – I didn’t just chuck her in. I had her on a leash and I lowered her in carefully and I was holding on tight. Lets just say I won’t do that again. And there is also the fact that I can now hold up a spray bottle of water and she halts in her tracks. This is my only defence against this 2 lbs. weapon of mass destruction. When I find her hanging on my sheers – a little spray of water – and she’s gone. The curtains are all snagged to shit now anyways – but that’s besides the point. There are times where I catch Charlie planning her next random attack on my home décor – and when I do – I call her name – show her my weapon – and she changes her little evil mind, for that moment in time anyways.

Okay – Okay – way off track again – I know.

So – I am relaxing in the tub – my knees up, my head on the inflatable pillow. I could sleep in that steamy hot water , I really could. My false sense of security has taken over any common sense. The tiny cute kitten,who I am now quite sure is a demented flying squirrel=cat, is planning her next attack.

My Moment of Zen is over in a quick second. Charlie – being the Cirque de Sol acrobat that she is has obviously scoped out my dry knees sticking up and has leaped towards them . She thinks she will be safe from the water but does not realize she has just scared the bejesus out of me. So I jolt – she drops. Before she gets “wet” she has somehow landed on my now upright chest. As I sit up she sinks her little razor claws into my boob. She is hanging from me like a cheap necklace. Not cute. This kitten has clawed the crap out of me , but I never thought I would get a boob scratch from her. I really should have known better. After removing the kitten from my body I know I have lost my chance for that relaxing bath moment.

As I reflect on my Friday night I know that I could be doing other things. If I really wanted I could go party it up , or go for dinner, go to a movie. Maybe I should change things up a bit – go out on Friday nights. Stop = I will not give in to the maniacal mayhem of this baby feline. I will be the boss of her. She will not dictate my life – or my Friday nights. Right?

Right?

Paula and the N-Word.

“N”  

The 14th letter of the Alphabet.  This letter is the first letter of many Words.  Good words, bad words, atrocious words, swear words, and forbidden words.

Then there is just the “N-Word”.  We all know this is one of the worst words ever.  And I truly did not want to write about the N Word. But I have to.  The N-Word has held me captive for the last 10 days of so. Seriously – it really has.  Every channel on the news is very focused on Paula and the N-Word.

Let me make something clear – I do not like the N Word. I do not use the N Word. I do not think anyone should use the N Word. And I will admit that I am confused as to why and how it is acceptable for some people to use the word . It is clearly okay for the N-Word to be used in some music and definitely in movies. When I finally turned the news to the Movie channel the first movie I watched  was using the word so much it just sent me into a higher level of confusion. But this is not the real issue for me, or my real concern.

My real concern was the total lack of forgiveness to Paula.  At first I was totally shocked that there was no forgiveness to Paula for admitting to using the N Word. I mean – we are all forgiving people for the most part. I do believe this.  And she used the word 30 years ago…… that’s a long time ago.  Thank God that I am not being judged for anything I said or did 30 years ago…..because Wow – it would not turn out good for me, even if I never did use the N Word.

After thinking all week about the N Word, and the media bombarding my brain about every thing about the N Word , it wasn’t until last night that I had a little epiphany that helped me understand how a word could make someone , even me , real ugly – and real fast. How a word could make you look past the person that said it and pass judgement on them without any insight to that person at all.

The answer came to me with another bad word.  The C-Word. The 4 letter C-Word.  I must admit that if I hear the C-Word from a mans mouth I instantly think he is a Pig. A total ignorant, disgusting Pig! Without a doubt. I do not need to know anything about the person who says the C-Word because I already know enough.  If someone can say the C-word – I pass instant judgement and I do not look back. You will not change my mind about that person. Ever.  And to me the C-Word should never be used by a woman – its even worse in so many ways.

So – I guess I have figured it out- a little.  It took one bad word to help me figure out why people would not forgive the N-Word .

Words can be powerful and this past week we have all seen how a single word can set the whole word into a huge debate.  The emotions from this one word have made us all think about the words we use. I am happy I found some understanding within myself about how such deep feelings can be conjured up from 1 single word.  And now I am putting this subject to bed. Forever.  Or for now. I think……

Mermaids and Purple Pillows

As you all know I have been suffering from severe insomnia. I have been so exhausted that I was starting to feel sick. Anyhow – I know you have all heard enough of my whining and complaining about it. But you must admit that I have become quite skilled at this “Crying Game’.

I would like to take this opportunity to Thank my sidekick “Menopause” for taking all the blame – she has been a real trooper. I have knocked her around like an old soccer ball for the last few months, holding her responsible for virtually everything wrong in my insomniac world. It could well be that I am starting to love my Menopause. Even though she can be nasty and a total body bully, she has proven herself to be a loyal punching bag. I realize as I write this she is probably plotting her revenge right now. She knows I am feeling good. She has realized she has slipped in her attack against me – Because I have Slept.

Yes people I have Slept! I got Sleep! I was Sleeping! No matter how you want to say it – It Happened! I would thank God – but he gets credit for so much. This time I am giving all the credit to Mermaids. And Purple Pillows. In that order….Mermaids first, Purple pillows second.

There is a complex chain of events that led to this miraculous event of my Sleep so I will start at the beginning. Yes – I know – you have all heard that before. Just relax, calm down, and bare with me. It will all make sense in the end.

So – on Friday night my Jack Russell Zoey was sick. This demanded my full attention for most of the night. I love my baby girl even more than The Dollar Store, and she is never sick – never! I know that all of you fellow Puppy-Parents understand what a stressful evening this was. This dog would not leave my side – she was all over me – which is weird . I mean she usually follows me around, but its with a ball in her mouth -nagging me to throw it for her. She dose not nag for lovey dove attention. It was obvious she was not her normal hyper active, ball catching, freezie eating self. I was quite certain there would be an expensive visit to the Vet the following day. Anyhow – after finally getting “The Zo” (that’s what everyone calls her) settled in my arms , we snuggled and snoozed for maybe 3 hours before my friend Gary calls me at 7:00AM and announces he is on his way to pick me up for Saturday Yard Sailing. Is he out of his mind??! Obviously I would never ever leave “The Zo” at home sick, I am a good mother. A very Good mother! After getting a little coffee in my system Gary convinces me to go yard sailing and to bring “The Zo” with us. I agree. I get myself together as best I can, after a lousy 3 hours of sleep, and the Zo and I hop into his truck. We are off!

It was the right decision. The Zo livened up as the morning went along and she enjoyed driving from house to house as much as I did. Obviously she is no stranger to compliments and she got more than her share that morning. After having a good poop on someones lawn she really came back to life. Yes Yes Yes – I picked it up. Like I said – I am a good mother.

During my most enjoyable morning of yard sailing – I spent a total of $13.00. I really got a lot of wonderful deals. I would go on to list them all , but I will just tell you the best find of the day. A Pair of Gorgeous, soft, and plush beyond belief Purple Pillows. It was love at first sight. Purple is my favorite color, and I have a lot of purple tones in my bedroom, so these pillows were a perfect fit for my plush and soft girly bedroom.

As much as I would like to just cut to the chase and get to the “Good Part” , I find it is of the utmost importance that I elaborate on the events that follow my morning of Yard Sailing. Don’t worry – I will make it quick – well – as quick as I can – you will see how this all works together – like missing pieces of my insomniac puzzle all coming together like a miracle.

Okay – so Gary drops me off from Yard Sailing – we unload his truck – I take my treasures inside. I am so proud to put the find of the day on my bed. The 2 Gorg (short for Gorgeous) Purple Pillows on my Bed. I decide to NOT finish painting my Bathroom as I should – and for some bizarre reason decide that painting my deck would be a great “afternoon” project. It could only be the lack of sleep and my tired old brain that could somehow calculate this can of worms into being a good idea. So – Gary takes my much better Zoey off to his house so she can relax by his pool – as all princess dogs should. And I actually paint about 80% of my deck. I decide I have done enough for one day and head over to Garys to collect my dog. I feel good about getting so much done , but I am really really super tired. I get to Garys and flop on his comfy couch near his pool. Its so nice and relaxing. Of course he has a big screen TV by his pool -so this is perfect for me….. Sitting on a comfy outdoor couch, by a pool, in the nice fresh air and watching whatever it is on the TV.

Heres where things get weird. Amazing – but weird.

As I relax and sip on my Coke Zero….Gary asks me if I want to watch a Documentary on Mermaids. OMG – how foolish is this man ?? Seriously?? !! – Mermaids. I almost laugh in his face – however – I am really just to tired to win this argument with him and I agree to the Mermaid Documentary. This ended up being a life changing event. I know – how weird is that!!

I would need to write a short essay to prove my point on the existence of mermaids. All I can say – Is that you Must must must watch the Animal Planet Documentary on Mermaids. Please please please watch this. I will probably have to write more about this later on….its just so amazing.

The point is – is that I have been unable to sleep for months. And the moment I learn the truth about Mermaids – that they really do exist (even thought they are not pretty and have flowing hair like the Disney mermaids) – I Sleep. And I mean I hard-core sleep. Almost a coma. For 12 hours straight . Well there could have been a coma-tose pee break somewhere in there….but nothing to really mention – so never mind.

So I give full credit to the Mermaids that I am now sleeping again. A girls dreams can come true. Toss in a pair of Gorg purple pillows – and its a whole new world. A world I never thought I would be a part of again. One of dreams, snoring, sweaty pj’s, and even alarm clocks.

And I do not forget my close friend/enemy/nemesis named “Menopause”, because even though she seems to have finally lost this war (which really she had to – since there is no winning against a Mermaid) , I do not forget her. I do not forget her – or her sneaky bag of tricks. I know she will show her ugly head again. But at least for now – I can sleep with the Mermaids.

On Gorg purple pillows!!

Off Of My Chest

We all have our own personal issues, problems, predicaments. Some are large and some are small. And we all think that our own personal problems are much more significant than everyone else’s issues.

Obviously.

I like to blame as much as I can on the weather, friends, strangers, the government, the rich, the poor, it really doesn’t matter. Of course at this age I am blessed with being able to blame almost every single circumstance on Menopause. If there is one good thing about Menopause – this is certainly it. You can blame virtually anything on menopause, and trust me I do. Seriously think about it – who in the hell is going to question me, except perhaps another menopausal woman – in which case things could turn real ugly – real fast. So far I have been lucky, most of my girlfriends are younger than me so I am safe. Which is good because I am weak. And small.

And being small – is partly how this weeks problem all started. See – I can blame part of my latest predicament on being small – which is not my fault – but obviously the fault of Biology.

Biology has made me small. I certainly could go further and blame my biology on my parents odd choice in mating with each other- however I will just lay the blame on Biology. I do not need to delve into the psychology of my parents mating choices. I have so many other things I like to blame my parents for.

Okay – so Biology has made me small- and I have small little boobs. In fact they are so small I really don’t even need a bra. At least not for support. But because I have a job and have to work with people – I have to wear nice clothes. So I wear a bra under my cute little tops , you know – just for coverage. And I like to buy the nice padded bras, or the water bras, or the fancy gel filled bras, because they actually make me look like I have a little bit going on up top. (which I really don’t). I am pretty sure that all the Big Chested Gals out there think they have the market cornered on “Boob Problems” . Well – I hope some of them read this and understand that us less endowed girls have boobie issues all of our own. Yes we do. And you know what – I bet none of “them”, The big breasted gals, will ever even have this problem.

This week my problem is that of the dented bra. Yes – I have a DENT in my padded bra. And it won’t come out. I don’t know how the dent got there – because if anyone tried to actually touch me there they would have a dent in their face. And don’t think that the dent in my bra is not an issue. It is because it is visible. I look like I am deformed. It looks as though a grizzly bear slashed a big slice right out of my poor, pathetic, fake boob.

This obviously could never ever be a problem that the Big Chested Gals could ever experience anyways, because their big knockers would just force the dent out on its own….. right? Well – we will probably never know because they (the chesty gals) probably don’t need padding in their bras to begin with. Why would they – that doesn’t even make sense. So – I think we can all agree that this really is just a problem specific to only us flat chested gals.

Now – I really don’t know who I can blame the dent in my bra on. However I am slightly worried that part of the blame may actually lay on my own shoulders. So to speak. But -its not what you are thinking. You see – it is quite possible that I did not get my “whites” done in time . Let me explain…..

The warm summer weather is upon us all . And for those of us who wear bras – I wonder if you are like me and find that you wear more White Bras in the summer ??!! Well – I definatley wear more white bras in the summer time.

Now – if you combine the frequency of the white bra wearing in with the the complexities laundry – life can get quite tricky.

As most of us know – the timing of laundry is such an important aspect of life. Well – at least my life. The “white basket” specifically has its own special needs. It is not normal laundry. And because the white basket does not fill up as quick as the other laundry baskets, it can cause problems this time of year. All of a sudden the White Bras are being tossed in on a much more frequent basis. Now when you throw a bunch of extra white spring tennis socks, new white T-shirts, frilly white work blouses – Well do I really need to say more? I think not. It is obvious that in the winter the white bras stand out in the laundry – but in the spring, OMG – they just get lost in the frenzy of warm weather white wearing.

Gosh – I got way off track again – Darned Menopausal Mind of mine!

I will leave it up to you. You may have jumped to the conclusion that the Dent in my little padded bra was somehow my fault. But clearly I cleared up this issue for myself and have given you all evidence that even I cannot take the blame for this problem. We can directly link this problem not only to biology, but also the weather. The fact that my dirty whites were piling up in secondary to all other factors.

There – I am so glad to get this dented problem off of my chest, and that I can clearly blame it on something other than myself.

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