Life is Weird

Endless Insanity

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Pickin’ Bits & a Boob Scratch.

Some people think that staying in on a Friday night is a sin. I remember the days when I thought the exact same thing, but times have changed for me. I enjoy coming home Friday after work. I have put in my week at work and can hardly wait to put on my slobby slob-out clothes, grab a bag of chips, a big glass of coke zero and improve my life via Pinterest. It works for me. Plus – I get to spend some quality time with my gorgy Zozo dog and her baby cat Charlie.

babycat

Now – we all know that I spoil the Zoey dog – to say the least. Do I need to remind anyone that I got the kitten for Zo – to keep her company during the day? No. So would it really be a surprise to find out that I spent part of my Friday night Pickin’ Bits for her. You see – I thought I was being quite smart, quite clever when I bought the delish looking dog food from the liquidation world. It had healthy little bits of dried beans and carrots in it. She eats beans and carrots off of my plate – so I thought she would like some in her own food. Wrong. Apparently the Zo has a very refined palate when it comes to her beans and carrots. That’s right – she does not approve of eating either one in the dried crunchy state. So I watched her as she would take a mouthful of the dried food over to the carpet , drop it all on the carpet, and then eat everything but the dried beans and carrots. She left those on the carpet for me to pick up. Ya – I don’t really want to be picking up these stupid bits every single day. But I am like a super genius and decide to dump out the whole bag on the counter – pick out the bean and carrot bits and chuck them in the garbage. Really – come on. This is Ridiculous – but I started so I actually finished. It took almost an hour.

After completing this tedious task I decided to reward myself with a nice hot bath. I love my baths. Zo always sits by the tub while I soak. She waits for me to get out and then dries my toes. I guess Zo’s new kitten Charlie wanted to become part of our bathing ritual. I saw her perched on the toilet seat – just watching. Okay – I am not stupid – I don’t trust this cat for nothin’. She is totally wild, and completely insane. I look at her and decide I was safe – I know she doesn’t like water – I know this for sure. How? Because when it was +35 out I thought she might like a little dip in Zozo’s pool. Ha! – Not so much. Don’t go getting all up in arms with me either. I was not being cruel – I didn’t just chuck her in. I had her on a leash and I lowered her in carefully and I was holding on tight. Lets just say I won’t do that again. And there is also the fact that I can now hold up a spray bottle of water and she halts in her tracks. This is my only defence against this 2 lbs. weapon of mass destruction. When I find her hanging on my sheers – a little spray of water – and she’s gone. The curtains are all snagged to shit now anyways – but that’s besides the point. There are times where I catch Charlie planning her next random attack on my home décor – and when I do – I call her name – show her my weapon – and she changes her little evil mind, for that moment in time anyways.

Okay – Okay – way off track again – I know.

So – I am relaxing in the tub – my knees up, my head on the inflatable pillow. I could sleep in that steamy hot water , I really could. My false sense of security has taken over any common sense. The tiny cute kitten,who I am now quite sure is a demented flying squirrel=cat, is planning her next attack.

My Moment of Zen is over in a quick second. Charlie – being the Cirque de Sol acrobat that she is has obviously scoped out my dry knees sticking up and has leaped towards them . She thinks she will be safe from the water but does not realize she has just scared the bejesus out of me. So I jolt – she drops. Before she gets “wet” she has somehow landed on my now upright chest. As I sit up she sinks her little razor claws into my boob. She is hanging from me like a cheap necklace. Not cute. This kitten has clawed the crap out of me , but I never thought I would get a boob scratch from her. I really should have known better. After removing the kitten from my body I know I have lost my chance for that relaxing bath moment.

As I reflect on my Friday night I know that I could be doing other things. If I really wanted I could go party it up , or go for dinner, go to a movie. Maybe I should change things up a bit – go out on Friday nights. Stop = I will not give in to the maniacal mayhem of this baby feline. I will be the boss of her. She will not dictate my life – or my Friday nights. Right?

Right?

Can of Paint

A couple of weekends ago I had the best day yard sailing with my friend Gary. I now find myself in quite the predicament , and it can all be linked directly to that wonderful sunny Saturday.

For weeks prior to that lovely day I had been carrying around 2 paint chips in my purse. They were the colors I had finally picked to paint my bathroom as well as my living room. So it was almost an unbelievable moment when at a young couples garage sale I see all of these paint cans sitting on the concrete. I got very excited but kept calm as I approached the paint cans. It was like the gods from above were smiling down on me. There were 2 cans that almost exactly matched the chips in my purse. WOW! And they were Full – unused. 2 full cans of paint , that were only a couple of months old they told me, worth at least $50 bucks a piece, right there in my grasp. I asked how much. I was in shock as the young fellow said $2 bucks each would be good. Good – holy crap – That was Great! I gave him the money and grabbed one of my best finds of the day and off to the car they went! I was elated because I really didn’t know if I wanted to spend a lot of money to paint either of my rooms. It was like someone gave me Free paint. What a great day that was.

Now lets move ahead – actually behind – to last weekend. It was horrible cold and rainy weather. There was no yard sailing that day for sure. So I stayed home for my “Me Day” . You know – I did do some of my easy house chores – but all in all I just kind of pampered myself. I did my nails, read a book, worked on my Owl Art, and just enjoyed the day to myself. Even though it was a rainy day I really did make the most of it and enjoyed it thoroughly. I did not think anything could ruin the day. Little did I know that at 9:00pm everything was about to go horrible wrong . My split second decision at this hour would not only ruin my day – but also the days to follow. I am sure you are wondering what could possibly go so wrong. I will tell you what went wrong….

I opened that can of Paint. I thought it was a can of paint , but I now know it was really a can of Worms!

Since I suffer from a wicked case of insomnia I knew that I would not be going to sleep at 9:00 on a Saturday night. I suppose that is sad on many different levels. Perhaps I should have been out dancing the night away – but come on – at my age – Really… I guess what I am trying to say is that I am under the presumption that most gals my age would have much better things to do on a Saturday night , at 9:00pm no less, than to decide to paint their bathrooms.

Welcome to my weird world , where I exist in an exhausted state that we all know I like to blame on Menopause.

Back on track – stick to the story – I know . I know. Sorry.

I gather all the painting supplies that I so eagerly purchase that week at my beloved Dollarama. I open the can of paint, give it a good stir and generously poured some into the tray. As I am about to begin I realize I did not take time to tape off the room first. So I quickly tape off the easiest part of the room and happily paint the borders. It took me about 15 minutes to finish the borders and even roll on the paint for that very tiny section of the bathroom. As I put down the roller I realize I am totally screwed. I am forced to leave the false reality that I can paint this bathroom on a whim this quiet Saturday night. There are towel hangers, shelves, lights, and other idiotic obstacles clearly standing in my way.

All of a sudden painting the bathroom sucks beyond belief.

I get my wits about myself and put the paint away – pull out the tools I have and decide not all is lost – I will do this right. I get the shelves down no problem. The small towel hanger – no problem. Now my quiet night is not so quiet. The long silver towel bar – Ya – it does not want to come off. In fact I don’t know how to get it off. And I can’t tape around it – that would never work. So I bring out the hammer. I am smacking this hanger to high heaven. I realize my bathroom window is open – and start to wonder if my neighbor can hear me. He’s probably getting pissed off by now. After about 1/2 an hour I am triumphant. I win the battle, and yet I am still oblivious to the fact that the war has only just begun.

With my walls clear of shelves, 1 small hanger and 1 long towel bar – there is still 1 small bracket to remove. The bracket from the left side of the long bracket. No problems – the right side bracket was a breeze. So I take my little screw driver and ” have at it”. Good God – this freaky screw is Long. Way longer that the right bracket screw. And it will not come out. As I examine it closer I see it is one of those butterfly screws. Ya – I don’t know what to do at all. Then I look around and realize all the holes in the walls need some of that wall filler. I don’t have any of that. I wonder if I could just use toothpaste, which I probably would have done, but my toothpaste is that white and red swirly kind. Why could I not just have the plain white Colgate I usually buy? I am pretty certain that there would be nothing wrong with pepperminty fresh Colgate walls. I am at a total loss now – and its only 10:00pm. I pack it in. I am going back to the couch with my good book!

Okay – now we can fast forward to this evening. I have most of the holes filled and sanded once. There is still a long freaky butterfly screw hanging out of the wall. I tried to saw it off with a steak knife but to no avail. I am going to have to swallow my pride and ask someone to help me remove the freaky screw. Which I did not want to do. I just wanted to paint my bathroom on a quiet Saturday night. I wanted to say I did it all by myself. Perhaps as I lie awake tonight in my insomniac state of mind I will have a revelation on how to get rid of that screw without outside assistance.

There are many lessons to be learned from to this little story. First of all I must say “Buyer Beware”, because a simple can of paint can really mess with your mind. It can knock you down and make you take a good long look at yourself. It can make you question your own judgement, your competency. I really thought I was a smart girl, I mean I know that nothing is “Free”. And I look back to my excitement on the $2 cans of paint and realize how much it will really cost me in the end. There will be the cost of new towel racks, shelves, towels and décor. I look back now and wonder if that nice young fellow that sold me the paint was laughing at my naivety as I so happily put the paint in my car.

I hope to finish painting my bathroom this weekend. And its the first time knowing that when my “screw is loose” I will be fine with that. More than fine!

Freaky long Screw

Conspiracy

Anyone that knows me knows how much I enjoy a Good Conspiracy “Theory”. I really do. Love Love Love Them. In fact I get so excited just thinking about it that I barely know where to begin. So bare with me on this one – it may be almost impossible to keep my thoughts in order. I wish I could just draw you an image of my thoughts – because this would surely make more sense. Anyhow – hang in there…

The thing is – is that – they are not really “Conspiracy Theories” . To my brilliant menopausal and insomniac mind they are just Obvious Truths. Seriously. The “REAL” Conspiracy is Obviously calling the certain subjects at hand a Conspiracy. Who is it that decides to call things a Conspiracy? Who is it that spreads the word, and attempts to disguise the undeniable truths by masking it with the word “Conspiracy”.

See – even the Word “Conspiracy” is a shrouded by Conspiracy.

I mean come on people. Lets start with the Obvious. Let look at the following 2 examples :

1. Who shot JFK. This is a famous “Conspiracy Theory”.

But why is it called a conspiracy ? We all know the answer. We all know that Lee Harvey Oswald was named as the killer. We all know that he did not shoot JFK. We know that “They” want us to believe that. “They” even had to get Jack Ruby to kill Lee Harvey Oswald so we could not ever hear the truth from his lips. Anyhow – this example is just so obvious to all of us who have done our own research. The answer is “THEY” killed JFK.

The murder of JFK leads right into another story that some would call a Conspiracy Theory – but its not.

2. The death of a Beauty. Marilyn Monroe. An accidental Death? A Suicide. Obviously Not! I think we all know who killed Marilyn Monroe. And we All know it was “HIM” not “THEM”. It was “HIM” – “He” was responsible.

These 2 Examples are like Prehistoric versions of the New improved Conspiracy Theories. The truths of these stories are so sloppily painted over, Its like a bad white wash on an old deck. The word “conspiracy” is just attached to certain events to try and confuse us all. To cast a shadow of doubt.

Before I move forward – I must clear up the obvious – just so we are all on the same page. I am aware that some people out there are still calling UFO’s and Aliens a “Conspiracy”. This seems so elementary to me – but I will help you out with this one. First of all the term UFO – is being used to mean “Unidentified” flying objects. The term “Unidentified” is really not correct because they are flying crafts that do not belong to “Our” world. Which means that by process of that simple elimination – that we have identified them as being Flying Crafts from somewhere else. So let me just sum this up for you – There are flying crafts out there that are not made by anyone on Earth. And there are being in those flying crafts that were not born on Earth. See how simple that was. Now it is clear that there is indeed Flying Saucers from outer space – and obviously Aliens are flying them.

I will admit that I have been amused and entertained for years with all of the books, movies, and articles that surround Flying Objects, Aliens, and Other Worlds. And the stories surrounding places like Roswell and Area 51 – well they are just that. Stories. Stories “They” make up to give to “Us” – the general population. “They” need stories to cover up “their” expensive little games, their expensive little secrets…. the ones “We” all pay for but don’t know about.

I must say that Today’s New Improved Conspiracy Theories are all Fascinating and totally Enjoyable.! There is 9-11, The Illuminati with its New World Order, The manufacturing of the Aids virus. I love all of these topics , but I would have to write my own book to explain my thoughts on them all. Once again , all I can say is: Why are they being called a Conspiracy? Is it because there are truths about all of these subjects that people just cannot face. Or they just don’t want to know. But for the group of us who know and love these topics, we also realize that when “They” put the term “Conspiracy” in conjunction with them – that “They” are just trying to insinuate there is some un-truths, or unknowns.

So I hope I have shed some light on this for everyone. Its easy. Theories are fine , just remember that when “They” throw the word “conspiracy” in front of anything at all – it just means “Big Fat Lies” . So under the Conspiracy lies the truth.
If you need to know the truth on any of these “theories” – feel free to just ask me. You could ask Paul McCartney – but the “real” Paul McCartney died in the 60’s. Your best bet is to ask an Alien because they know pretty much everything.

Good night all.

Off Of My Chest

We all have our own personal issues, problems, predicaments. Some are large and some are small. And we all think that our own personal problems are much more significant than everyone else’s issues.

Obviously.

I like to blame as much as I can on the weather, friends, strangers, the government, the rich, the poor, it really doesn’t matter. Of course at this age I am blessed with being able to blame almost every single circumstance on Menopause. If there is one good thing about Menopause – this is certainly it. You can blame virtually anything on menopause, and trust me I do. Seriously think about it – who in the hell is going to question me, except perhaps another menopausal woman – in which case things could turn real ugly – real fast. So far I have been lucky, most of my girlfriends are younger than me so I am safe. Which is good because I am weak. And small.

And being small – is partly how this weeks problem all started. See – I can blame part of my latest predicament on being small – which is not my fault – but obviously the fault of Biology.

Biology has made me small. I certainly could go further and blame my biology on my parents odd choice in mating with each other- however I will just lay the blame on Biology. I do not need to delve into the psychology of my parents mating choices. I have so many other things I like to blame my parents for.

Okay – so Biology has made me small- and I have small little boobs. In fact they are so small I really don’t even need a bra. At least not for support. But because I have a job and have to work with people – I have to wear nice clothes. So I wear a bra under my cute little tops , you know – just for coverage. And I like to buy the nice padded bras, or the water bras, or the fancy gel filled bras, because they actually make me look like I have a little bit going on up top. (which I really don’t). I am pretty sure that all the Big Chested Gals out there think they have the market cornered on “Boob Problems” . Well – I hope some of them read this and understand that us less endowed girls have boobie issues all of our own. Yes we do. And you know what – I bet none of “them”, The big breasted gals, will ever even have this problem.

This week my problem is that of the dented bra. Yes – I have a DENT in my padded bra. And it won’t come out. I don’t know how the dent got there – because if anyone tried to actually touch me there they would have a dent in their face. And don’t think that the dent in my bra is not an issue. It is because it is visible. I look like I am deformed. It looks as though a grizzly bear slashed a big slice right out of my poor, pathetic, fake boob.

This obviously could never ever be a problem that the Big Chested Gals could ever experience anyways, because their big knockers would just force the dent out on its own….. right? Well – we will probably never know because they (the chesty gals) probably don’t need padding in their bras to begin with. Why would they – that doesn’t even make sense. So – I think we can all agree that this really is just a problem specific to only us flat chested gals.

Now – I really don’t know who I can blame the dent in my bra on. However I am slightly worried that part of the blame may actually lay on my own shoulders. So to speak. But -its not what you are thinking. You see – it is quite possible that I did not get my “whites” done in time . Let me explain…..

The warm summer weather is upon us all . And for those of us who wear bras – I wonder if you are like me and find that you wear more White Bras in the summer ??!! Well – I definatley wear more white bras in the summer time.

Now – if you combine the frequency of the white bra wearing in with the the complexities laundry – life can get quite tricky.

As most of us know – the timing of laundry is such an important aspect of life. Well – at least my life. The “white basket” specifically has its own special needs. It is not normal laundry. And because the white basket does not fill up as quick as the other laundry baskets, it can cause problems this time of year. All of a sudden the White Bras are being tossed in on a much more frequent basis. Now when you throw a bunch of extra white spring tennis socks, new white T-shirts, frilly white work blouses – Well do I really need to say more? I think not. It is obvious that in the winter the white bras stand out in the laundry – but in the spring, OMG – they just get lost in the frenzy of warm weather white wearing.

Gosh – I got way off track again – Darned Menopausal Mind of mine!

I will leave it up to you. You may have jumped to the conclusion that the Dent in my little padded bra was somehow my fault. But clearly I cleared up this issue for myself and have given you all evidence that even I cannot take the blame for this problem. We can directly link this problem not only to biology, but also the weather. The fact that my dirty whites were piling up in secondary to all other factors.

There – I am so glad to get this dented problem off of my chest, and that I can clearly blame it on something other than myself.

Insomnia

For the Love of Triscuit Dust!! Seriously now – I sleep for 2 to 3 hours. I am beyond tired – yet here I am at 2 O’clock in the morning alive and well with my myriad of endless random thoughts. Its crazy. Maybe I am crazy. I should be sleeping, I have to be up at 6:00am so I can go garage “sailing” . And you know I wont be late – no way, no how. I will never be late! Not even for a strangers yard sale.

Do you think if I blabber out all of the random crazy thoughts in my head I will be able to sleep? Probably not because when I finish scribbling this all down I will go lie down in bed and think about what I wrote. How retarded it all came out , what I should have said, why I couldn’t spew it all out in a witty and more satisfying way.

Perhaps I should let the turettes syndrome of my mind thoughts just flow……let it out as it flies to the forefront of my tired mind.

Chicken Art. Yes chicken art. I painted a chicken – not a real, living chicken..I just attempted to paint a chicken. To capture the essence of a chicken. I was pretty hammered at the time . It was bad. Really really bad. I have since redeemed myself to the world of Chicken Art .

See- pretty good Huh.. Yes – I am satisfied with my chicken art.

Redemption to the World of Chicken Art.

Redemption to the World of Chicken Art.

My next venture into the world of Art , if you can call it that will be OWL Art. Yes- Owl Art.
Do I have some odd fascination for Bird Art. No – I am not sure why my first 2 paintings are Bird Related…. It just happened to work out that way. I don’t even like birds. Except for Crows. I like Crows.

I keep glancing at the clock. Thank god I don’t have to work tomorrow. Not to say I don’t have a shit load of stuff to do. It is Ridiculous how much stuff I have to do. Seriously. My To-Do list is almost as Endless as my desire to sleep through the night. Funny with so much to do that the first thing on my list is to get up at 6:00aam so I can get ready to go garage sailing with my best person in the whole world. We have so much fun driving around and buying other peoples junk. And it really can’t be that much fun for him for the first few hours because I am a total cranky bitch. Because I don’t sleep. And even though I tell him – “Ya’ – lets just drive around randomly” , he doesn’t know I have a LIST. Yes – a list of places to go. I am terrible with direction – I get lost driving to the grocery store. But tomorrow at 7:30am I will expect him to navigate to these unknown addresses with nothing less than the perfection of being my own personal google map guy.

Now I am panicking, thinking about all the stuff I need to do after yard sailing. Like painting my deck, doing laundry, doing bookwork, Owl painting, running 5k to get rid of my “Wheat Belly”. If I was a responsible person I would just stay home and do chores, go exercise, clean stuff, vacuum stuff. My inner OCD begs me to do all of these things. And no doubt I will do most of them . I will be soooooooo tired tomorrow afternoon. I already know this. Sp I guess like the saying goes “Suck it up – Buttercup”.

I like to blame this Insomnia Insanity totally on Menopause. I really have no idea if that is truly the reason – but it works for me. And its nice to have something to blame, since I don’t like to blame myself for anything.

And by the way – if you have never experienced Trisuit Dust – OMG – you are missing out. You have got to try it. Mind you – it does not help with the “Wheat Belly” .

I am going to sign off and try to go to sleep. But I probably won’t because I drank 2 cups of tea – and I’ll be up to pee at least once! Oh The Insanity of this Insomnia!
Good Night – or should I say Good Morning!

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