Life is Weird

Endless Insanity

Archive for the category “sleep deprivation”

Kraft Dinner

You know that song “If I had a million Dollars” – by the Barenaked Ladies ?? I hope you all say yes – because that song should be a classic for Everyone – not just us Canadians. Anyhow – in the song its says that if they had $1,000,000 they would buy the “real” Kraft Dinner. Well – I agree with this more than you know. I have always been a fan of the “real” Kraft Dinner. I can eat a whole box myself. Even when I was a kid in school I ate a whole box myself. Honestly – I don’t think I would even make a box if I had to consider sharing it. As far as comfort foods go Kraft Dinner has always been one of those self indulgent staples that can be found in my pantry.

99% of the time I prepare the KD so it is just its regular smooth and creamy artificial cheesy consistency, this is when I like to top it with Ketchup. And pepper – lots of fresh ground pepper. Fresh ground pepper makes any meal fancier. Oh – and do I even have to say that the Ketchup must be Heinz? God – I hope not people – because that should just be a given. There is no ifs, ands, or buts about this one. You simply cannot pair the most legendary of boxed dinners with a less-superior condiment. Everyone knows there is no substitute that can match the perfection of the “real” Kraft Dinner – so it is really an unspoken truth , knowledge, or just a fact of life that if you are a person who prefers to top your KD with ketchup – it must be Heinz. And I am sorry to say that you can’t use the little ketchup packs you bring home from the Burger joints – even if they say they are Heinz.(I for one cannot be so sure that it is really Heinz – but that’s another story). I have done it before -(used the little packets) but only in an emergency situation – I guess it got me through the meal , however it really was not the same. I will admit that I do have very high standards when it comes to my KD meals, but I truly believe we should all show the proper amount of respect that is demanded by such a celebrated meal.

When I am sick the other 1% of the time- the whole KD preparation changes! I have to make it “soupier”. I know all my fellow KD connoisseurs know exactly what I mean. You just add a little – or a lot more milk so that the manufactured cheese sauce becomes more saucier – more liquidy. The soupy KD will require a large table spoon for consumption, whereas the “normal” KD is edible with a fork – if you so choose. Okay – so I only make the soupy KD when I am under the weather, and obviously this is just my own personal preference. Some people may to prepare their KD in the “soupier” way most of the time – this is acceptable – and once again a matter of personal preference. Obviously when KD is made soupier nobody in their right mind would put any ketchup on it – that would be absurd. You can have a little pepper – but not a lot- and not fresh ground – just the regular powdery type. Nobody should choke on pepper chunks when they are not feeling well.

When I was in university I even had Hangover KD. Obviously this in an experimental time of our lives. Some of us get into some pretty bad stuff during these formidable years, its really scary to think of the garbage we will just try so willingly before we even think it through. At this age I had it in my head that not only was I smarter than my elders – but I was smarter than Kraft itself, because I was going to tamper with the very essence of the KD experience . I really was just at the age where I didn’t have the respect I should have for anyone – or anything – including Kraft Dinner. I threw out the cheese pack – and stirred in a can of cream of mushroom soup. Perhaps in my youth I thought I was being fancy -or that somehow I was better than the cheese packet. This is what can happen to a young adult after flipping through a few of your aunties cookbooks. I admit I was a complete rebel – and really should have been punished for the total annihilation of the Original KD Experience. But trust me – eating it like that was punishment enough, and it never did cure a hang over . It may have made me barf though – which probably helped in my recovery. My KD Rebellion did not last long and in no time I was once again a responsible, and respectful KD consumer.

So – Anyhow – If I had $1,000,000 – it would be a sure bet that I would buy the “real” Kraft Dinner – and lots of it. I would have a nice little “hoard” of it. And only the Original Kraft Dinner. As Enjoyable as the White cheddar, the Sprirals and the other varieties can be -my heart is stuck on the Original KD. I just love it – and I would never cheat on it by trying another brand. In the worse case scenario -like a Zombie Apocalypse or whatever – If all I had in my “end of the world” cupboard was KD – I would be happy to eat it every day. I would probably buy other things with my $1,000,000 too – but like I said – it would be a safe bet that I would always have “REAL” Kraft Dinner in my cupboards!

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Mermaids and Purple Pillows

As you all know I have been suffering from severe insomnia. I have been so exhausted that I was starting to feel sick. Anyhow – I know you have all heard enough of my whining and complaining about it. But you must admit that I have become quite skilled at this “Crying Game’.

I would like to take this opportunity to Thank my sidekick “Menopause” for taking all the blame – she has been a real trooper. I have knocked her around like an old soccer ball for the last few months, holding her responsible for virtually everything wrong in my insomniac world. It could well be that I am starting to love my Menopause. Even though she can be nasty and a total body bully, she has proven herself to be a loyal punching bag. I realize as I write this she is probably plotting her revenge right now. She knows I am feeling good. She has realized she has slipped in her attack against me – Because I have Slept.

Yes people I have Slept! I got Sleep! I was Sleeping! No matter how you want to say it – It Happened! I would thank God – but he gets credit for so much. This time I am giving all the credit to Mermaids. And Purple Pillows. In that order….Mermaids first, Purple pillows second.

There is a complex chain of events that led to this miraculous event of my Sleep so I will start at the beginning. Yes – I know – you have all heard that before. Just relax, calm down, and bare with me. It will all make sense in the end.

So – on Friday night my Jack Russell Zoey was sick. This demanded my full attention for most of the night. I love my baby girl even more than The Dollar Store, and she is never sick – never! I know that all of you fellow Puppy-Parents understand what a stressful evening this was. This dog would not leave my side – she was all over me – which is weird . I mean she usually follows me around, but its with a ball in her mouth -nagging me to throw it for her. She dose not nag for lovey dove attention. It was obvious she was not her normal hyper active, ball catching, freezie eating self. I was quite certain there would be an expensive visit to the Vet the following day. Anyhow – after finally getting “The Zo” (that’s what everyone calls her) settled in my arms , we snuggled and snoozed for maybe 3 hours before my friend Gary calls me at 7:00AM and announces he is on his way to pick me up for Saturday Yard Sailing. Is he out of his mind??! Obviously I would never ever leave “The Zo” at home sick, I am a good mother. A very Good mother! After getting a little coffee in my system Gary convinces me to go yard sailing and to bring “The Zo” with us. I agree. I get myself together as best I can, after a lousy 3 hours of sleep, and the Zo and I hop into his truck. We are off!

It was the right decision. The Zo livened up as the morning went along and she enjoyed driving from house to house as much as I did. Obviously she is no stranger to compliments and she got more than her share that morning. After having a good poop on someones lawn she really came back to life. Yes Yes Yes – I picked it up. Like I said – I am a good mother.

During my most enjoyable morning of yard sailing – I spent a total of $13.00. I really got a lot of wonderful deals. I would go on to list them all , but I will just tell you the best find of the day. A Pair of Gorgeous, soft, and plush beyond belief Purple Pillows. It was love at first sight. Purple is my favorite color, and I have a lot of purple tones in my bedroom, so these pillows were a perfect fit for my plush and soft girly bedroom.

As much as I would like to just cut to the chase and get to the “Good Part” , I find it is of the utmost importance that I elaborate on the events that follow my morning of Yard Sailing. Don’t worry – I will make it quick – well – as quick as I can – you will see how this all works together – like missing pieces of my insomniac puzzle all coming together like a miracle.

Okay – so Gary drops me off from Yard Sailing – we unload his truck – I take my treasures inside. I am so proud to put the find of the day on my bed. The 2 Gorg (short for Gorgeous) Purple Pillows on my Bed. I decide to NOT finish painting my Bathroom as I should – and for some bizarre reason decide that painting my deck would be a great “afternoon” project. It could only be the lack of sleep and my tired old brain that could somehow calculate this can of worms into being a good idea. So – Gary takes my much better Zoey off to his house so she can relax by his pool – as all princess dogs should. And I actually paint about 80% of my deck. I decide I have done enough for one day and head over to Garys to collect my dog. I feel good about getting so much done , but I am really really super tired. I get to Garys and flop on his comfy couch near his pool. Its so nice and relaxing. Of course he has a big screen TV by his pool -so this is perfect for me….. Sitting on a comfy outdoor couch, by a pool, in the nice fresh air and watching whatever it is on the TV.

Heres where things get weird. Amazing – but weird.

As I relax and sip on my Coke Zero….Gary asks me if I want to watch a Documentary on Mermaids. OMG – how foolish is this man ?? Seriously?? !! – Mermaids. I almost laugh in his face – however – I am really just to tired to win this argument with him and I agree to the Mermaid Documentary. This ended up being a life changing event. I know – how weird is that!!

I would need to write a short essay to prove my point on the existence of mermaids. All I can say – Is that you Must must must watch the Animal Planet Documentary on Mermaids. Please please please watch this. I will probably have to write more about this later on….its just so amazing.

The point is – is that I have been unable to sleep for months. And the moment I learn the truth about Mermaids – that they really do exist (even thought they are not pretty and have flowing hair like the Disney mermaids) – I Sleep. And I mean I hard-core sleep. Almost a coma. For 12 hours straight . Well there could have been a coma-tose pee break somewhere in there….but nothing to really mention – so never mind.

So I give full credit to the Mermaids that I am now sleeping again. A girls dreams can come true. Toss in a pair of Gorg purple pillows – and its a whole new world. A world I never thought I would be a part of again. One of dreams, snoring, sweaty pj’s, and even alarm clocks.

And I do not forget my close friend/enemy/nemesis named “Menopause”, because even though she seems to have finally lost this war (which really she had to – since there is no winning against a Mermaid) , I do not forget her. I do not forget her – or her sneaky bag of tricks. I know she will show her ugly head again. But at least for now – I can sleep with the Mermaids.

On Gorg purple pillows!!

Can of Paint

A couple of weekends ago I had the best day yard sailing with my friend Gary. I now find myself in quite the predicament , and it can all be linked directly to that wonderful sunny Saturday.

For weeks prior to that lovely day I had been carrying around 2 paint chips in my purse. They were the colors I had finally picked to paint my bathroom as well as my living room. So it was almost an unbelievable moment when at a young couples garage sale I see all of these paint cans sitting on the concrete. I got very excited but kept calm as I approached the paint cans. It was like the gods from above were smiling down on me. There were 2 cans that almost exactly matched the chips in my purse. WOW! And they were Full – unused. 2 full cans of paint , that were only a couple of months old they told me, worth at least $50 bucks a piece, right there in my grasp. I asked how much. I was in shock as the young fellow said $2 bucks each would be good. Good – holy crap – That was Great! I gave him the money and grabbed one of my best finds of the day and off to the car they went! I was elated because I really didn’t know if I wanted to spend a lot of money to paint either of my rooms. It was like someone gave me Free paint. What a great day that was.

Now lets move ahead – actually behind – to last weekend. It was horrible cold and rainy weather. There was no yard sailing that day for sure. So I stayed home for my “Me Day” . You know – I did do some of my easy house chores – but all in all I just kind of pampered myself. I did my nails, read a book, worked on my Owl Art, and just enjoyed the day to myself. Even though it was a rainy day I really did make the most of it and enjoyed it thoroughly. I did not think anything could ruin the day. Little did I know that at 9:00pm everything was about to go horrible wrong . My split second decision at this hour would not only ruin my day – but also the days to follow. I am sure you are wondering what could possibly go so wrong. I will tell you what went wrong….

I opened that can of Paint. I thought it was a can of paint , but I now know it was really a can of Worms!

Since I suffer from a wicked case of insomnia I knew that I would not be going to sleep at 9:00 on a Saturday night. I suppose that is sad on many different levels. Perhaps I should have been out dancing the night away – but come on – at my age – Really… I guess what I am trying to say is that I am under the presumption that most gals my age would have much better things to do on a Saturday night , at 9:00pm no less, than to decide to paint their bathrooms.

Welcome to my weird world , where I exist in an exhausted state that we all know I like to blame on Menopause.

Back on track – stick to the story – I know . I know. Sorry.

I gather all the painting supplies that I so eagerly purchase that week at my beloved Dollarama. I open the can of paint, give it a good stir and generously poured some into the tray. As I am about to begin I realize I did not take time to tape off the room first. So I quickly tape off the easiest part of the room and happily paint the borders. It took me about 15 minutes to finish the borders and even roll on the paint for that very tiny section of the bathroom. As I put down the roller I realize I am totally screwed. I am forced to leave the false reality that I can paint this bathroom on a whim this quiet Saturday night. There are towel hangers, shelves, lights, and other idiotic obstacles clearly standing in my way.

All of a sudden painting the bathroom sucks beyond belief.

I get my wits about myself and put the paint away – pull out the tools I have and decide not all is lost – I will do this right. I get the shelves down no problem. The small towel hanger – no problem. Now my quiet night is not so quiet. The long silver towel bar – Ya – it does not want to come off. In fact I don’t know how to get it off. And I can’t tape around it – that would never work. So I bring out the hammer. I am smacking this hanger to high heaven. I realize my bathroom window is open – and start to wonder if my neighbor can hear me. He’s probably getting pissed off by now. After about 1/2 an hour I am triumphant. I win the battle, and yet I am still oblivious to the fact that the war has only just begun.

With my walls clear of shelves, 1 small hanger and 1 long towel bar – there is still 1 small bracket to remove. The bracket from the left side of the long bracket. No problems – the right side bracket was a breeze. So I take my little screw driver and ” have at it”. Good God – this freaky screw is Long. Way longer that the right bracket screw. And it will not come out. As I examine it closer I see it is one of those butterfly screws. Ya – I don’t know what to do at all. Then I look around and realize all the holes in the walls need some of that wall filler. I don’t have any of that. I wonder if I could just use toothpaste, which I probably would have done, but my toothpaste is that white and red swirly kind. Why could I not just have the plain white Colgate I usually buy? I am pretty certain that there would be nothing wrong with pepperminty fresh Colgate walls. I am at a total loss now – and its only 10:00pm. I pack it in. I am going back to the couch with my good book!

Okay – now we can fast forward to this evening. I have most of the holes filled and sanded once. There is still a long freaky butterfly screw hanging out of the wall. I tried to saw it off with a steak knife but to no avail. I am going to have to swallow my pride and ask someone to help me remove the freaky screw. Which I did not want to do. I just wanted to paint my bathroom on a quiet Saturday night. I wanted to say I did it all by myself. Perhaps as I lie awake tonight in my insomniac state of mind I will have a revelation on how to get rid of that screw without outside assistance.

There are many lessons to be learned from to this little story. First of all I must say “Buyer Beware”, because a simple can of paint can really mess with your mind. It can knock you down and make you take a good long look at yourself. It can make you question your own judgement, your competency. I really thought I was a smart girl, I mean I know that nothing is “Free”. And I look back to my excitement on the $2 cans of paint and realize how much it will really cost me in the end. There will be the cost of new towel racks, shelves, towels and d├ęcor. I look back now and wonder if that nice young fellow that sold me the paint was laughing at my naivety as I so happily put the paint in my car.

I hope to finish painting my bathroom this weekend. And its the first time knowing that when my “screw is loose” I will be fine with that. More than fine!

Freaky long Screw

Conspiracy

Anyone that knows me knows how much I enjoy a Good Conspiracy “Theory”. I really do. Love Love Love Them. In fact I get so excited just thinking about it that I barely know where to begin. So bare with me on this one – it may be almost impossible to keep my thoughts in order. I wish I could just draw you an image of my thoughts – because this would surely make more sense. Anyhow – hang in there…

The thing is – is that – they are not really “Conspiracy Theories” . To my brilliant menopausal and insomniac mind they are just Obvious Truths. Seriously. The “REAL” Conspiracy is Obviously calling the certain subjects at hand a Conspiracy. Who is it that decides to call things a Conspiracy? Who is it that spreads the word, and attempts to disguise the undeniable truths by masking it with the word “Conspiracy”.

See – even the Word “Conspiracy” is a shrouded by Conspiracy.

I mean come on people. Lets start with the Obvious. Let look at the following 2 examples :

1. Who shot JFK. This is a famous “Conspiracy Theory”.

But why is it called a conspiracy ? We all know the answer. We all know that Lee Harvey Oswald was named as the killer. We all know that he did not shoot JFK. We know that “They” want us to believe that. “They” even had to get Jack Ruby to kill Lee Harvey Oswald so we could not ever hear the truth from his lips. Anyhow – this example is just so obvious to all of us who have done our own research. The answer is “THEY” killed JFK.

The murder of JFK leads right into another story that some would call a Conspiracy Theory – but its not.

2. The death of a Beauty. Marilyn Monroe. An accidental Death? A Suicide. Obviously Not! I think we all know who killed Marilyn Monroe. And we All know it was “HIM” not “THEM”. It was “HIM” – “He” was responsible.

These 2 Examples are like Prehistoric versions of the New improved Conspiracy Theories. The truths of these stories are so sloppily painted over, Its like a bad white wash on an old deck. The word “conspiracy” is just attached to certain events to try and confuse us all. To cast a shadow of doubt.

Before I move forward – I must clear up the obvious – just so we are all on the same page. I am aware that some people out there are still calling UFO’s and Aliens a “Conspiracy”. This seems so elementary to me – but I will help you out with this one. First of all the term UFO – is being used to mean “Unidentified” flying objects. The term “Unidentified” is really not correct because they are flying crafts that do not belong to “Our” world. Which means that by process of that simple elimination – that we have identified them as being Flying Crafts from somewhere else. So let me just sum this up for you – There are flying crafts out there that are not made by anyone on Earth. And there are being in those flying crafts that were not born on Earth. See how simple that was. Now it is clear that there is indeed Flying Saucers from outer space – and obviously Aliens are flying them.

I will admit that I have been amused and entertained for years with all of the books, movies, and articles that surround Flying Objects, Aliens, and Other Worlds. And the stories surrounding places like Roswell and Area 51 – well they are just that. Stories. Stories “They” make up to give to “Us” – the general population. “They” need stories to cover up “their” expensive little games, their expensive little secrets…. the ones “We” all pay for but don’t know about.

I must say that Today’s New Improved Conspiracy Theories are all Fascinating and totally Enjoyable.! There is 9-11, The Illuminati with its New World Order, The manufacturing of the Aids virus. I love all of these topics , but I would have to write my own book to explain my thoughts on them all. Once again , all I can say is: Why are they being called a Conspiracy? Is it because there are truths about all of these subjects that people just cannot face. Or they just don’t want to know. But for the group of us who know and love these topics, we also realize that when “They” put the term “Conspiracy” in conjunction with them – that “They” are just trying to insinuate there is some un-truths, or unknowns.

So I hope I have shed some light on this for everyone. Its easy. Theories are fine , just remember that when “They” throw the word “conspiracy” in front of anything at all – it just means “Big Fat Lies” . So under the Conspiracy lies the truth.
If you need to know the truth on any of these “theories” – feel free to just ask me. You could ask Paul McCartney – but the “real” Paul McCartney died in the 60’s. Your best bet is to ask an Alien because they know pretty much everything.

Good night all.

Insomnia

For the Love of Triscuit Dust!! Seriously now – I sleep for 2 to 3 hours. I am beyond tired – yet here I am at 2 O’clock in the morning alive and well with my myriad of endless random thoughts. Its crazy. Maybe I am crazy. I should be sleeping, I have to be up at 6:00am so I can go garage “sailing” . And you know I wont be late – no way, no how. I will never be late! Not even for a strangers yard sale.

Do you think if I blabber out all of the random crazy thoughts in my head I will be able to sleep? Probably not because when I finish scribbling this all down I will go lie down in bed and think about what I wrote. How retarded it all came out , what I should have said, why I couldn’t spew it all out in a witty and more satisfying way.

Perhaps I should let the turettes syndrome of my mind thoughts just flow……let it out as it flies to the forefront of my tired mind.

Chicken Art. Yes chicken art. I painted a chicken – not a real, living chicken..I just attempted to paint a chicken. To capture the essence of a chicken. I was pretty hammered at the time . It was bad. Really really bad. I have since redeemed myself to the world of Chicken Art .

See- pretty good Huh.. Yes – I am satisfied with my chicken art.

Redemption to the World of Chicken Art.

Redemption to the World of Chicken Art.

My next venture into the world of Art , if you can call it that will be OWL Art. Yes- Owl Art.
Do I have some odd fascination for Bird Art. No – I am not sure why my first 2 paintings are Bird Related…. It just happened to work out that way. I don’t even like birds. Except for Crows. I like Crows.

I keep glancing at the clock. Thank god I don’t have to work tomorrow. Not to say I don’t have a shit load of stuff to do. It is Ridiculous how much stuff I have to do. Seriously. My To-Do list is almost as Endless as my desire to sleep through the night. Funny with so much to do that the first thing on my list is to get up at 6:00aam so I can get ready to go garage sailing with my best person in the whole world. We have so much fun driving around and buying other peoples junk. And it really can’t be that much fun for him for the first few hours because I am a total cranky bitch. Because I don’t sleep. And even though I tell him – “Ya’ – lets just drive around randomly” , he doesn’t know I have a LIST. Yes – a list of places to go. I am terrible with direction – I get lost driving to the grocery store. But tomorrow at 7:30am I will expect him to navigate to these unknown addresses with nothing less than the perfection of being my own personal google map guy.

Now I am panicking, thinking about all the stuff I need to do after yard sailing. Like painting my deck, doing laundry, doing bookwork, Owl painting, running 5k to get rid of my “Wheat Belly”. If I was a responsible person I would just stay home and do chores, go exercise, clean stuff, vacuum stuff. My inner OCD begs me to do all of these things. And no doubt I will do most of them . I will be soooooooo tired tomorrow afternoon. I already know this. Sp I guess like the saying goes “Suck it up – Buttercup”.

I like to blame this Insomnia Insanity totally on Menopause. I really have no idea if that is truly the reason – but it works for me. And its nice to have something to blame, since I don’t like to blame myself for anything.

And by the way – if you have never experienced Trisuit Dust – OMG – you are missing out. You have got to try it. Mind you – it does not help with the “Wheat Belly” .

I am going to sign off and try to go to sleep. But I probably won’t because I drank 2 cups of tea – and I’ll be up to pee at least once! Oh The Insanity of this Insomnia!
Good Night – or should I say Good Morning!

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