Life is Weird

Endless Insanity

Archive for the tag “internet brain”

Kraft Dinner

You know that song “If I had a million Dollars” – by the Barenaked Ladies ?? I hope you all say yes – because that song should be a classic for Everyone – not just us Canadians. Anyhow – in the song its says that if they had $1,000,000 they would buy the “real” Kraft Dinner. Well – I agree with this more than you know. I have always been a fan of the “real” Kraft Dinner. I can eat a whole box myself. Even when I was a kid in school I ate a whole box myself. Honestly – I don’t think I would even make a box if I had to consider sharing it. As far as comfort foods go Kraft Dinner has always been one of those self indulgent staples that can be found in my pantry.

99% of the time I prepare the KD so it is just its regular smooth and creamy artificial cheesy consistency, this is when I like to top it with Ketchup. And pepper – lots of fresh ground pepper. Fresh ground pepper makes any meal fancier. Oh – and do I even have to say that the Ketchup must be Heinz? God – I hope not people – because that should just be a given. There is no ifs, ands, or buts about this one. You simply cannot pair the most legendary of boxed dinners with a less-superior condiment. Everyone knows there is no substitute that can match the perfection of the “real” Kraft Dinner – so it is really an unspoken truth , knowledge, or just a fact of life that if you are a person who prefers to top your KD with ketchup – it must be Heinz. And I am sorry to say that you can’t use the little ketchup packs you bring home from the Burger joints – even if they say they are Heinz.(I for one cannot be so sure that it is really Heinz – but that’s another story). I have done it before -(used the little packets) but only in an emergency situation – I guess it got me through the meal , however it really was not the same. I will admit that I do have very high standards when it comes to my KD meals, but I truly believe we should all show the proper amount of respect that is demanded by such a celebrated meal.

When I am sick the other 1% of the time- the whole KD preparation changes! I have to make it “soupier”. I know all my fellow KD connoisseurs know exactly what I mean. You just add a little – or a lot more milk so that the manufactured cheese sauce becomes more saucier – more liquidy. The soupy KD will require a large table spoon for consumption, whereas the “normal” KD is edible with a fork – if you so choose. Okay – so I only make the soupy KD when I am under the weather, and obviously this is just my own personal preference. Some people may to prepare their KD in the “soupier” way most of the time – this is acceptable – and once again a matter of personal preference. Obviously when KD is made soupier nobody in their right mind would put any ketchup on it – that would be absurd. You can have a little pepper – but not a lot- and not fresh ground – just the regular powdery type. Nobody should choke on pepper chunks when they are not feeling well.

When I was in university I even had Hangover KD. Obviously this in an experimental time of our lives. Some of us get into some pretty bad stuff during these formidable years, its really scary to think of the garbage we will just try so willingly before we even think it through. At this age I had it in my head that not only was I smarter than my elders – but I was smarter than Kraft itself, because I was going to tamper with the very essence of the KD experience . I really was just at the age where I didn’t have the respect I should have for anyone – or anything – including Kraft Dinner. I threw out the cheese pack – and stirred in a can of cream of mushroom soup. Perhaps in my youth I thought I was being fancy -or that somehow I was better than the cheese packet. This is what can happen to a young adult after flipping through a few of your aunties cookbooks. I admit I was a complete rebel – and really should have been punished for the total annihilation of the Original KD Experience. But trust me – eating it like that was punishment enough, and it never did cure a hang over . It may have made me barf though – which probably helped in my recovery. My KD Rebellion did not last long and in no time I was once again a responsible, and respectful KD consumer.

So – Anyhow – If I had $1,000,000 – it would be a sure bet that I would buy the “real” Kraft Dinner – and lots of it. I would have a nice little “hoard” of it. And only the Original Kraft Dinner. As Enjoyable as the White cheddar, the Sprirals and the other varieties can be -my heart is stuck on the Original KD. I just love it – and I would never cheat on it by trying another brand. In the worse case scenario -like a Zombie Apocalypse or whatever – If all I had in my “end of the world” cupboard was KD – I would be happy to eat it every day. I would probably buy other things with my $1,000,000 too – but like I said – it would be a safe bet that I would always have “REAL” Kraft Dinner in my cupboards!

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Anytime – Anywhere

This continued lack of sleep is making me mental. I have always been a little on the loopy side – but I could very well be flung right out of the loop in my current mental state. I am like the living dead. I am a high functioning zombie.

We all read the endless amounts of information on the internet about menopause; the symptoms, the treatments, the doctors, the quacks, the ins and the outs, the ups and the downs, everything including the sweaty pajamas. Its just a lot to much! I was going to say ” a little to much”, but No – it really is a lot to much. What is right – what is wrong. What is normal – what is abnormal. What is true – what is false. What is Good – what is Bad. I could go on and on here – but you get the idea – right? Maybe I don’t sleep because its just to much information. Maybe my sleep deprivation is really caused because of my new “Internet Brain”. My new and improved “Internet Brain” has so much information in it that it just can’t stop sorting and filing it all. I have run out of memory, my cache is full, I need more RAM. Maybe I am finally to smart for my own good. Perhaps I just need another Flash Drive. Seriously – how is anyone in the state of Menopausal Dementia supposed to sort this out.

A year ago I decided to become a healthier version of myself. As the thought of turning 50 was becoming a reality I decided it was time to make some changes in my life. And I did – I really really did. I quit drinking alcohol completely, I quit smoking completely, I started eating a lot more healthy foods, I exercise much more regularly. One would assume that with all of these positive changes I have made that I would feel like a million bucks.

Wrong.

I feel like Crap. And it does not make sense.

Why Can’t I Sleep? Why does my body feel like it has been hit by a train and dragged down the tracks?

My teeth even hurt – and I am not lying. I all of a sudden Grind my teeth – (with a capital “g”) . I have my jaws clenched so tight that I am sure you could put a rope in my mouth and swing me around like a pit bull holding onto its toy. Every now and then I catch myself – clenching on for dear life. I swear you could not wedge a worms eyelash through my tightly shut mouth. And when I catch myself its not like I can just instantly tell myself to stop doing it. The process to get my jaw to relax and become unhinged is not as simple as you might think. Its like talking myself off of the Edge.

“Its Okay – let go, let your jaw drop, wag your tongue, – let go of that rope ” . ” Good Girl” – Relax. Breathe…… There you go…… Much Better….

Once my jaw has become unglued I will concentrate for maybe 5 minutes to keep my jaw nice and relaxed. Next thing I notice is that my shoulders are starting to tense up. Then I notice my teeth are hurting again because my Jaws have snapped back into the closed position. Holy Crap – how did that all happen in 15 minutes.

As much as I want to just lie on the couch, or sit in a boiling hot vat of water – I know that the only way to relieve some of this body stress is to exercise. I grab my gorgeous little dog and I say to myself – a nice long walk by the river front – that will ease the stress. And if you can run for a few kilometers – you will surely have the best sleep ever! Ha! Ya’ – that doesn’t work either.

Its all like a cruel joke.

I ponder the idea of acting young again. Buying a bottle of wine – having a nice big glass – or even the whole bottle. Maybe that would put me to sleep. But I cannot do that because whenever I used to drink – I would smoke cigarettes. Lots and lots of cigarettes.( I know – its gross) I seriously never ever want to smoke again – and I know damn well that as soon as I have a glass of wine in my hand – I will think I am entitled to have a cigarette. I really cannot trust myself – how pathetic is that.

You know – “Back in the Day” (this phrase in itself tells everyone you are getting old.) – – – Anyhow – Yes – Back in the day, I could drink, smoke, party, eat all kinds of garbage, and I did not want to sleep. I did not need to sleep. But I could. When I was ready to lay my young body down for a rest – I slept like a baby. Anytime – anywhere.

I don’t want my youth back – I really really don’t. I don’t want to smoke, or drink, or party –

All I really really want is just some sleep. Anytime – Anywhere…..

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