Life is Weird

Endless Insanity

Archive for the tag “menopausal”

Can of Paint

A couple of weekends ago I had the best day yard sailing with my friend Gary. I now find myself in quite the predicament , and it can all be linked directly to that wonderful sunny Saturday.

For weeks prior to that lovely day I had been carrying around 2 paint chips in my purse. They were the colors I had finally picked to paint my bathroom as well as my living room. So it was almost an unbelievable moment when at a young couples garage sale I see all of these paint cans sitting on the concrete. I got very excited but kept calm as I approached the paint cans. It was like the gods from above were smiling down on me. There were 2 cans that almost exactly matched the chips in my purse. WOW! And they were Full – unused. 2 full cans of paint , that were only a couple of months old they told me, worth at least $50 bucks a piece, right there in my grasp. I asked how much. I was in shock as the young fellow said $2 bucks each would be good. Good – holy crap – That was Great! I gave him the money and grabbed one of my best finds of the day and off to the car they went! I was elated because I really didn’t know if I wanted to spend a lot of money to paint either of my rooms. It was like someone gave me Free paint. What a great day that was.

Now lets move ahead – actually behind – to last weekend. It was horrible cold and rainy weather. There was no yard sailing that day for sure. So I stayed home for my “Me Day” . You know – I did do some of my easy house chores – but all in all I just kind of pampered myself. I did my nails, read a book, worked on my Owl Art, and just enjoyed the day to myself. Even though it was a rainy day I really did make the most of it and enjoyed it thoroughly. I did not think anything could ruin the day. Little did I know that at 9:00pm everything was about to go horrible wrong . My split second decision at this hour would not only ruin my day – but also the days to follow. I am sure you are wondering what could possibly go so wrong. I will tell you what went wrong….

I opened that can of Paint. I thought it was a can of paint , but I now know it was really a can of Worms!

Since I suffer from a wicked case of insomnia I knew that I would not be going to sleep at 9:00 on a Saturday night. I suppose that is sad on many different levels. Perhaps I should have been out dancing the night away – but come on – at my age – Really… I guess what I am trying to say is that I am under the presumption that most gals my age would have much better things to do on a Saturday night , at 9:00pm no less, than to decide to paint their bathrooms.

Welcome to my weird world , where I exist in an exhausted state that we all know I like to blame on Menopause.

Back on track – stick to the story – I know . I know. Sorry.

I gather all the painting supplies that I so eagerly purchase that week at my beloved Dollarama. I open the can of paint, give it a good stir and generously poured some into the tray. As I am about to begin I realize I did not take time to tape off the room first. So I quickly tape off the easiest part of the room and happily paint the borders. It took me about 15 minutes to finish the borders and even roll on the paint for that very tiny section of the bathroom. As I put down the roller I realize I am totally screwed. I am forced to leave the false reality that I can paint this bathroom on a whim this quiet Saturday night. There are towel hangers, shelves, lights, and other idiotic obstacles clearly standing in my way.

All of a sudden painting the bathroom sucks beyond belief.

I get my wits about myself and put the paint away – pull out the tools I have and decide not all is lost – I will do this right. I get the shelves down no problem. The small towel hanger – no problem. Now my quiet night is not so quiet. The long silver towel bar – Ya – it does not want to come off. In fact I don’t know how to get it off. And I can’t tape around it – that would never work. So I bring out the hammer. I am smacking this hanger to high heaven. I realize my bathroom window is open – and start to wonder if my neighbor can hear me. He’s probably getting pissed off by now. After about 1/2 an hour I am triumphant. I win the battle, and yet I am still oblivious to the fact that the war has only just begun.

With my walls clear of shelves, 1 small hanger and 1 long towel bar – there is still 1 small bracket to remove. The bracket from the left side of the long bracket. No problems – the right side bracket was a breeze. So I take my little screw driver and ” have at it”. Good God – this freaky screw is Long. Way longer that the right bracket screw. And it will not come out. As I examine it closer I see it is one of those butterfly screws. Ya – I don’t know what to do at all. Then I look around and realize all the holes in the walls need some of that wall filler. I don’t have any of that. I wonder if I could just use toothpaste, which I probably would have done, but my toothpaste is that white and red swirly kind. Why could I not just have the plain white Colgate I usually buy? I am pretty certain that there would be nothing wrong with pepperminty fresh Colgate walls. I am at a total loss now – and its only 10:00pm. I pack it in. I am going back to the couch with my good book!

Okay – now we can fast forward to this evening. I have most of the holes filled and sanded once. There is still a long freaky butterfly screw hanging out of the wall. I tried to saw it off with a steak knife but to no avail. I am going to have to swallow my pride and ask someone to help me remove the freaky screw. Which I did not want to do. I just wanted to paint my bathroom on a quiet Saturday night. I wanted to say I did it all by myself. Perhaps as I lie awake tonight in my insomniac state of mind I will have a revelation on how to get rid of that screw without outside assistance.

There are many lessons to be learned from to this little story. First of all I must say “Buyer Beware”, because a simple can of paint can really mess with your mind. It can knock you down and make you take a good long look at yourself. It can make you question your own judgement, your competency. I really thought I was a smart girl, I mean I know that nothing is “Free”. And I look back to my excitement on the $2 cans of paint and realize how much it will really cost me in the end. There will be the cost of new towel racks, shelves, towels and d├ęcor. I look back now and wonder if that nice young fellow that sold me the paint was laughing at my naivety as I so happily put the paint in my car.

I hope to finish painting my bathroom this weekend. And its the first time knowing that when my “screw is loose” I will be fine with that. More than fine!

Freaky long Screw

Off Of My Chest

We all have our own personal issues, problems, predicaments. Some are large and some are small. And we all think that our own personal problems are much more significant than everyone else’s issues.

Obviously.

I like to blame as much as I can on the weather, friends, strangers, the government, the rich, the poor, it really doesn’t matter. Of course at this age I am blessed with being able to blame almost every single circumstance on Menopause. If there is one good thing about Menopause – this is certainly it. You can blame virtually anything on menopause, and trust me I do. Seriously think about it – who in the hell is going to question me, except perhaps another menopausal woman – in which case things could turn real ugly – real fast. So far I have been lucky, most of my girlfriends are younger than me so I am safe. Which is good because I am weak. And small.

And being small – is partly how this weeks problem all started. See – I can blame part of my latest predicament on being small – which is not my fault – but obviously the fault of Biology.

Biology has made me small. I certainly could go further and blame my biology on my parents odd choice in mating with each other- however I will just lay the blame on Biology. I do not need to delve into the psychology of my parents mating choices. I have so many other things I like to blame my parents for.

Okay – so Biology has made me small- and I have small little boobs. In fact they are so small I really don’t even need a bra. At least not for support. But because I have a job and have to work with people – I have to wear nice clothes. So I wear a bra under my cute little tops , you know – just for coverage. And I like to buy the nice padded bras, or the water bras, or the fancy gel filled bras, because they actually make me look like I have a little bit going on up top. (which I really don’t). I am pretty sure that all the Big Chested Gals out there think they have the market cornered on “Boob Problems” . Well – I hope some of them read this and understand that us less endowed girls have boobie issues all of our own. Yes we do. And you know what – I bet none of “them”, The big breasted gals, will ever even have this problem.

This week my problem is that of the dented bra. Yes – I have a DENT in my padded bra. And it won’t come out. I don’t know how the dent got there – because if anyone tried to actually touch me there they would have a dent in their face. And don’t think that the dent in my bra is not an issue. It is because it is visible. I look like I am deformed. It looks as though a grizzly bear slashed a big slice right out of my poor, pathetic, fake boob.

This obviously could never ever be a problem that the Big Chested Gals could ever experience anyways, because their big knockers would just force the dent out on its own….. right? Well – we will probably never know because they (the chesty gals) probably don’t need padding in their bras to begin with. Why would they – that doesn’t even make sense. So – I think we can all agree that this really is just a problem specific to only us flat chested gals.

Now – I really don’t know who I can blame the dent in my bra on. However I am slightly worried that part of the blame may actually lay on my own shoulders. So to speak. But -its not what you are thinking. You see – it is quite possible that I did not get my “whites” done in time . Let me explain…..

The warm summer weather is upon us all . And for those of us who wear bras – I wonder if you are like me and find that you wear more White Bras in the summer ??!! Well – I definatley wear more white bras in the summer time.

Now – if you combine the frequency of the white bra wearing in with the the complexities laundry – life can get quite tricky.

As most of us know – the timing of laundry is such an important aspect of life. Well – at least my life. The “white basket” specifically has its own special needs. It is not normal laundry. And because the white basket does not fill up as quick as the other laundry baskets, it can cause problems this time of year. All of a sudden the White Bras are being tossed in on a much more frequent basis. Now when you throw a bunch of extra white spring tennis socks, new white T-shirts, frilly white work blouses – Well do I really need to say more? I think not. It is obvious that in the winter the white bras stand out in the laundry – but in the spring, OMG – they just get lost in the frenzy of warm weather white wearing.

Gosh – I got way off track again – Darned Menopausal Mind of mine!

I will leave it up to you. You may have jumped to the conclusion that the Dent in my little padded bra was somehow my fault. But clearly I cleared up this issue for myself and have given you all evidence that even I cannot take the blame for this problem. We can directly link this problem not only to biology, but also the weather. The fact that my dirty whites were piling up in secondary to all other factors.

There – I am so glad to get this dented problem off of my chest, and that I can clearly blame it on something other than myself.

Anytime – Anywhere

This continued lack of sleep is making me mental. I have always been a little on the loopy side – but I could very well be flung right out of the loop in my current mental state. I am like the living dead. I am a high functioning zombie.

We all read the endless amounts of information on the internet about menopause; the symptoms, the treatments, the doctors, the quacks, the ins and the outs, the ups and the downs, everything including the sweaty pajamas. Its just a lot to much! I was going to say ” a little to much”, but No – it really is a lot to much. What is right – what is wrong. What is normal – what is abnormal. What is true – what is false. What is Good – what is Bad. I could go on and on here – but you get the idea – right? Maybe I don’t sleep because its just to much information. Maybe my sleep deprivation is really caused because of my new “Internet Brain”. My new and improved “Internet Brain” has so much information in it that it just can’t stop sorting and filing it all. I have run out of memory, my cache is full, I need more RAM. Maybe I am finally to smart for my own good. Perhaps I just need another Flash Drive. Seriously – how is anyone in the state of Menopausal Dementia supposed to sort this out.

A year ago I decided to become a healthier version of myself. As the thought of turning 50 was becoming a reality I decided it was time to make some changes in my life. And I did – I really really did. I quit drinking alcohol completely, I quit smoking completely, I started eating a lot more healthy foods, I exercise much more regularly. One would assume that with all of these positive changes I have made that I would feel like a million bucks.

Wrong.

I feel like Crap. And it does not make sense.

Why Can’t I Sleep? Why does my body feel like it has been hit by a train and dragged down the tracks?

My teeth even hurt – and I am not lying. I all of a sudden Grind my teeth – (with a capital “g”) . I have my jaws clenched so tight that I am sure you could put a rope in my mouth and swing me around like a pit bull holding onto its toy. Every now and then I catch myself – clenching on for dear life. I swear you could not wedge a worms eyelash through my tightly shut mouth. And when I catch myself its not like I can just instantly tell myself to stop doing it. The process to get my jaw to relax and become unhinged is not as simple as you might think. Its like talking myself off of the Edge.

“Its Okay – let go, let your jaw drop, wag your tongue, – let go of that rope ” . ” Good Girl” – Relax. Breathe…… There you go…… Much Better….

Once my jaw has become unglued I will concentrate for maybe 5 minutes to keep my jaw nice and relaxed. Next thing I notice is that my shoulders are starting to tense up. Then I notice my teeth are hurting again because my Jaws have snapped back into the closed position. Holy Crap – how did that all happen in 15 minutes.

As much as I want to just lie on the couch, or sit in a boiling hot vat of water – I know that the only way to relieve some of this body stress is to exercise. I grab my gorgeous little dog and I say to myself – a nice long walk by the river front – that will ease the stress. And if you can run for a few kilometers – you will surely have the best sleep ever! Ha! Ya’ – that doesn’t work either.

Its all like a cruel joke.

I ponder the idea of acting young again. Buying a bottle of wine – having a nice big glass – or even the whole bottle. Maybe that would put me to sleep. But I cannot do that because whenever I used to drink – I would smoke cigarettes. Lots and lots of cigarettes.( I know – its gross) I seriously never ever want to smoke again – and I know damn well that as soon as I have a glass of wine in my hand – I will think I am entitled to have a cigarette. I really cannot trust myself – how pathetic is that.

You know – “Back in the Day” (this phrase in itself tells everyone you are getting old.) – – – Anyhow – Yes – Back in the day, I could drink, smoke, party, eat all kinds of garbage, and I did not want to sleep. I did not need to sleep. But I could. When I was ready to lay my young body down for a rest – I slept like a baby. Anytime – anywhere.

I don’t want my youth back – I really really don’t. I don’t want to smoke, or drink, or party –

All I really really want is just some sleep. Anytime – Anywhere…..

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