Life is Weird

Endless Insanity

Archive for the tag “sleep deprivation”

Kraft Dinner

You know that song “If I had a million Dollars” – by the Barenaked Ladies ?? I hope you all say yes – because that song should be a classic for Everyone – not just us Canadians. Anyhow – in the song its says that if they had $1,000,000 they would buy the “real” Kraft Dinner. Well – I agree with this more than you know. I have always been a fan of the “real” Kraft Dinner. I can eat a whole box myself. Even when I was a kid in school I ate a whole box myself. Honestly – I don’t think I would even make a box if I had to consider sharing it. As far as comfort foods go Kraft Dinner has always been one of those self indulgent staples that can be found in my pantry.

99% of the time I prepare the KD so it is just its regular smooth and creamy artificial cheesy consistency, this is when I like to top it with Ketchup. And pepper – lots of fresh ground pepper. Fresh ground pepper makes any meal fancier. Oh – and do I even have to say that the Ketchup must be Heinz? God – I hope not people – because that should just be a given. There is no ifs, ands, or buts about this one. You simply cannot pair the most legendary of boxed dinners with a less-superior condiment. Everyone knows there is no substitute that can match the perfection of the “real” Kraft Dinner – so it is really an unspoken truth , knowledge, or just a fact of life that if you are a person who prefers to top your KD with ketchup – it must be Heinz. And I am sorry to say that you can’t use the little ketchup packs you bring home from the Burger joints – even if they say they are Heinz.(I for one cannot be so sure that it is really Heinz – but that’s another story). I have done it before -(used the little packets) but only in an emergency situation – I guess it got me through the meal , however it really was not the same. I will admit that I do have very high standards when it comes to my KD meals, but I truly believe we should all show the proper amount of respect that is demanded by such a celebrated meal.

When I am sick the other 1% of the time- the whole KD preparation changes! I have to make it “soupier”. I know all my fellow KD connoisseurs know exactly what I mean. You just add a little – or a lot more milk so that the manufactured cheese sauce becomes more saucier – more liquidy. The soupy KD will require a large table spoon for consumption, whereas the “normal” KD is edible with a fork – if you so choose. Okay – so I only make the soupy KD when I am under the weather, and obviously this is just my own personal preference. Some people may to prepare their KD in the “soupier” way most of the time – this is acceptable – and once again a matter of personal preference. Obviously when KD is made soupier nobody in their right mind would put any ketchup on it – that would be absurd. You can have a little pepper – but not a lot- and not fresh ground – just the regular powdery type. Nobody should choke on pepper chunks when they are not feeling well.

When I was in university I even had Hangover KD. Obviously this in an experimental time of our lives. Some of us get into some pretty bad stuff during these formidable years, its really scary to think of the garbage we will just try so willingly before we even think it through. At this age I had it in my head that not only was I smarter than my elders – but I was smarter than Kraft itself, because I was going to tamper with the very essence of the KD experience . I really was just at the age where I didn’t have the respect I should have for anyone – or anything – including Kraft Dinner. I threw out the cheese pack – and stirred in a can of cream of mushroom soup. Perhaps in my youth I thought I was being fancy -or that somehow I was better than the cheese packet. This is what can happen to a young adult after flipping through a few of your aunties cookbooks. I admit I was a complete rebel – and really should have been punished for the total annihilation of the Original KD Experience. But trust me – eating it like that was punishment enough, and it never did cure a hang over . It may have made me barf though – which probably helped in my recovery. My KD Rebellion did not last long and in no time I was once again a responsible, and respectful KD consumer.

So – Anyhow – If I had $1,000,000 – it would be a sure bet that I would buy the “real” Kraft Dinner – and lots of it. I would have a nice little “hoard” of it. And only the Original Kraft Dinner. As Enjoyable as the White cheddar, the Sprirals and the other varieties can be -my heart is stuck on the Original KD. I just love it – and I would never cheat on it by trying another brand. In the worse case scenario -like a Zombie Apocalypse or whatever – If all I had in my “end of the world” cupboard was KD – I would be happy to eat it every day. I would probably buy other things with my $1,000,000 too – but like I said – it would be a safe bet that I would always have “REAL” Kraft Dinner in my cupboards!

Can of Paint

A couple of weekends ago I had the best day yard sailing with my friend Gary. I now find myself in quite the predicament , and it can all be linked directly to that wonderful sunny Saturday.

For weeks prior to that lovely day I had been carrying around 2 paint chips in my purse. They were the colors I had finally picked to paint my bathroom as well as my living room. So it was almost an unbelievable moment when at a young couples garage sale I see all of these paint cans sitting on the concrete. I got very excited but kept calm as I approached the paint cans. It was like the gods from above were smiling down on me. There were 2 cans that almost exactly matched the chips in my purse. WOW! And they were Full – unused. 2 full cans of paint , that were only a couple of months old they told me, worth at least $50 bucks a piece, right there in my grasp. I asked how much. I was in shock as the young fellow said $2 bucks each would be good. Good – holy crap – That was Great! I gave him the money and grabbed one of my best finds of the day and off to the car they went! I was elated because I really didn’t know if I wanted to spend a lot of money to paint either of my rooms. It was like someone gave me Free paint. What a great day that was.

Now lets move ahead – actually behind – to last weekend. It was horrible cold and rainy weather. There was no yard sailing that day for sure. So I stayed home for my “Me Day” . You know – I did do some of my easy house chores – but all in all I just kind of pampered myself. I did my nails, read a book, worked on my Owl Art, and just enjoyed the day to myself. Even though it was a rainy day I really did make the most of it and enjoyed it thoroughly. I did not think anything could ruin the day. Little did I know that at 9:00pm everything was about to go horrible wrong . My split second decision at this hour would not only ruin my day – but also the days to follow. I am sure you are wondering what could possibly go so wrong. I will tell you what went wrong….

I opened that can of Paint. I thought it was a can of paint , but I now know it was really a can of Worms!

Since I suffer from a wicked case of insomnia I knew that I would not be going to sleep at 9:00 on a Saturday night. I suppose that is sad on many different levels. Perhaps I should have been out dancing the night away – but come on – at my age – Really… I guess what I am trying to say is that I am under the presumption that most gals my age would have much better things to do on a Saturday night , at 9:00pm no less, than to decide to paint their bathrooms.

Welcome to my weird world , where I exist in an exhausted state that we all know I like to blame on Menopause.

Back on track – stick to the story – I know . I know. Sorry.

I gather all the painting supplies that I so eagerly purchase that week at my beloved Dollarama. I open the can of paint, give it a good stir and generously poured some into the tray. As I am about to begin I realize I did not take time to tape off the room first. So I quickly tape off the easiest part of the room and happily paint the borders. It took me about 15 minutes to finish the borders and even roll on the paint for that very tiny section of the bathroom. As I put down the roller I realize I am totally screwed. I am forced to leave the false reality that I can paint this bathroom on a whim this quiet Saturday night. There are towel hangers, shelves, lights, and other idiotic obstacles clearly standing in my way.

All of a sudden painting the bathroom sucks beyond belief.

I get my wits about myself and put the paint away – pull out the tools I have and decide not all is lost – I will do this right. I get the shelves down no problem. The small towel hanger – no problem. Now my quiet night is not so quiet. The long silver towel bar – Ya – it does not want to come off. In fact I don’t know how to get it off. And I can’t tape around it – that would never work. So I bring out the hammer. I am smacking this hanger to high heaven. I realize my bathroom window is open – and start to wonder if my neighbor can hear me. He’s probably getting pissed off by now. After about 1/2 an hour I am triumphant. I win the battle, and yet I am still oblivious to the fact that the war has only just begun.

With my walls clear of shelves, 1 small hanger and 1 long towel bar – there is still 1 small bracket to remove. The bracket from the left side of the long bracket. No problems – the right side bracket was a breeze. So I take my little screw driver and ” have at it”. Good God – this freaky screw is Long. Way longer that the right bracket screw. And it will not come out. As I examine it closer I see it is one of those butterfly screws. Ya – I don’t know what to do at all. Then I look around and realize all the holes in the walls need some of that wall filler. I don’t have any of that. I wonder if I could just use toothpaste, which I probably would have done, but my toothpaste is that white and red swirly kind. Why could I not just have the plain white Colgate I usually buy? I am pretty certain that there would be nothing wrong with pepperminty fresh Colgate walls. I am at a total loss now – and its only 10:00pm. I pack it in. I am going back to the couch with my good book!

Okay – now we can fast forward to this evening. I have most of the holes filled and sanded once. There is still a long freaky butterfly screw hanging out of the wall. I tried to saw it off with a steak knife but to no avail. I am going to have to swallow my pride and ask someone to help me remove the freaky screw. Which I did not want to do. I just wanted to paint my bathroom on a quiet Saturday night. I wanted to say I did it all by myself. Perhaps as I lie awake tonight in my insomniac state of mind I will have a revelation on how to get rid of that screw without outside assistance.

There are many lessons to be learned from to this little story. First of all I must say “Buyer Beware”, because a simple can of paint can really mess with your mind. It can knock you down and make you take a good long look at yourself. It can make you question your own judgement, your competency. I really thought I was a smart girl, I mean I know that nothing is “Free”. And I look back to my excitement on the $2 cans of paint and realize how much it will really cost me in the end. There will be the cost of new towel racks, shelves, towels and d├ęcor. I look back now and wonder if that nice young fellow that sold me the paint was laughing at my naivety as I so happily put the paint in my car.

I hope to finish painting my bathroom this weekend. And its the first time knowing that when my “screw is loose” I will be fine with that. More than fine!

Freaky long Screw

Anytime – Anywhere

This continued lack of sleep is making me mental. I have always been a little on the loopy side – but I could very well be flung right out of the loop in my current mental state. I am like the living dead. I am a high functioning zombie.

We all read the endless amounts of information on the internet about menopause; the symptoms, the treatments, the doctors, the quacks, the ins and the outs, the ups and the downs, everything including the sweaty pajamas. Its just a lot to much! I was going to say ” a little to much”, but No – it really is a lot to much. What is right – what is wrong. What is normal – what is abnormal. What is true – what is false. What is Good – what is Bad. I could go on and on here – but you get the idea – right? Maybe I don’t sleep because its just to much information. Maybe my sleep deprivation is really caused because of my new “Internet Brain”. My new and improved “Internet Brain” has so much information in it that it just can’t stop sorting and filing it all. I have run out of memory, my cache is full, I need more RAM. Maybe I am finally to smart for my own good. Perhaps I just need another Flash Drive. Seriously – how is anyone in the state of Menopausal Dementia supposed to sort this out.

A year ago I decided to become a healthier version of myself. As the thought of turning 50 was becoming a reality I decided it was time to make some changes in my life. And I did – I really really did. I quit drinking alcohol completely, I quit smoking completely, I started eating a lot more healthy foods, I exercise much more regularly. One would assume that with all of these positive changes I have made that I would feel like a million bucks.

Wrong.

I feel like Crap. And it does not make sense.

Why Can’t I Sleep? Why does my body feel like it has been hit by a train and dragged down the tracks?

My teeth even hurt – and I am not lying. I all of a sudden Grind my teeth – (with a capital “g”) . I have my jaws clenched so tight that I am sure you could put a rope in my mouth and swing me around like a pit bull holding onto its toy. Every now and then I catch myself – clenching on for dear life. I swear you could not wedge a worms eyelash through my tightly shut mouth. And when I catch myself its not like I can just instantly tell myself to stop doing it. The process to get my jaw to relax and become unhinged is not as simple as you might think. Its like talking myself off of the Edge.

“Its Okay – let go, let your jaw drop, wag your tongue, – let go of that rope ” . ” Good Girl” – Relax. Breathe…… There you go…… Much Better….

Once my jaw has become unglued I will concentrate for maybe 5 minutes to keep my jaw nice and relaxed. Next thing I notice is that my shoulders are starting to tense up. Then I notice my teeth are hurting again because my Jaws have snapped back into the closed position. Holy Crap – how did that all happen in 15 minutes.

As much as I want to just lie on the couch, or sit in a boiling hot vat of water – I know that the only way to relieve some of this body stress is to exercise. I grab my gorgeous little dog and I say to myself – a nice long walk by the river front – that will ease the stress. And if you can run for a few kilometers – you will surely have the best sleep ever! Ha! Ya’ – that doesn’t work either.

Its all like a cruel joke.

I ponder the idea of acting young again. Buying a bottle of wine – having a nice big glass – or even the whole bottle. Maybe that would put me to sleep. But I cannot do that because whenever I used to drink – I would smoke cigarettes. Lots and lots of cigarettes.( I know – its gross) I seriously never ever want to smoke again – and I know damn well that as soon as I have a glass of wine in my hand – I will think I am entitled to have a cigarette. I really cannot trust myself – how pathetic is that.

You know – “Back in the Day” (this phrase in itself tells everyone you are getting old.) – – – Anyhow – Yes – Back in the day, I could drink, smoke, party, eat all kinds of garbage, and I did not want to sleep. I did not need to sleep. But I could. When I was ready to lay my young body down for a rest – I slept like a baby. Anytime – anywhere.

I don’t want my youth back – I really really don’t. I don’t want to smoke, or drink, or party –

All I really really want is just some sleep. Anytime – Anywhere…..

Insomnia

For the Love of Triscuit Dust!! Seriously now – I sleep for 2 to 3 hours. I am beyond tired – yet here I am at 2 O’clock in the morning alive and well with my myriad of endless random thoughts. Its crazy. Maybe I am crazy. I should be sleeping, I have to be up at 6:00am so I can go garage “sailing” . And you know I wont be late – no way, no how. I will never be late! Not even for a strangers yard sale.

Do you think if I blabber out all of the random crazy thoughts in my head I will be able to sleep? Probably not because when I finish scribbling this all down I will go lie down in bed and think about what I wrote. How retarded it all came out , what I should have said, why I couldn’t spew it all out in a witty and more satisfying way.

Perhaps I should let the turettes syndrome of my mind thoughts just flow……let it out as it flies to the forefront of my tired mind.

Chicken Art. Yes chicken art. I painted a chicken – not a real, living chicken..I just attempted to paint a chicken. To capture the essence of a chicken. I was pretty hammered at the time . It was bad. Really really bad. I have since redeemed myself to the world of Chicken Art .

See- pretty good Huh.. Yes – I am satisfied with my chicken art.

Redemption to the World of Chicken Art.

Redemption to the World of Chicken Art.

My next venture into the world of Art , if you can call it that will be OWL Art. Yes- Owl Art.
Do I have some odd fascination for Bird Art. No – I am not sure why my first 2 paintings are Bird Related…. It just happened to work out that way. I don’t even like birds. Except for Crows. I like Crows.

I keep glancing at the clock. Thank god I don’t have to work tomorrow. Not to say I don’t have a shit load of stuff to do. It is Ridiculous how much stuff I have to do. Seriously. My To-Do list is almost as Endless as my desire to sleep through the night. Funny with so much to do that the first thing on my list is to get up at 6:00aam so I can get ready to go garage sailing with my best person in the whole world. We have so much fun driving around and buying other peoples junk. And it really can’t be that much fun for him for the first few hours because I am a total cranky bitch. Because I don’t sleep. And even though I tell him – “Ya’ – lets just drive around randomly” , he doesn’t know I have a LIST. Yes – a list of places to go. I am terrible with direction – I get lost driving to the grocery store. But tomorrow at 7:30am I will expect him to navigate to these unknown addresses with nothing less than the perfection of being my own personal google map guy.

Now I am panicking, thinking about all the stuff I need to do after yard sailing. Like painting my deck, doing laundry, doing bookwork, Owl painting, running 5k to get rid of my “Wheat Belly”. If I was a responsible person I would just stay home and do chores, go exercise, clean stuff, vacuum stuff. My inner OCD begs me to do all of these things. And no doubt I will do most of them . I will be soooooooo tired tomorrow afternoon. I already know this. Sp I guess like the saying goes “Suck it up – Buttercup”.

I like to blame this Insomnia Insanity totally on Menopause. I really have no idea if that is truly the reason – but it works for me. And its nice to have something to blame, since I don’t like to blame myself for anything.

And by the way – if you have never experienced Trisuit Dust – OMG – you are missing out. You have got to try it. Mind you – it does not help with the “Wheat Belly” .

I am going to sign off and try to go to sleep. But I probably won’t because I drank 2 cups of tea – and I’ll be up to pee at least once! Oh The Insanity of this Insomnia!
Good Night – or should I say Good Morning!

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